I’ve been thinking a lot these past few, er, years. But a lot in the past month about the state of my life and where I am and what I want to be doing. And when we last left New Zealand I had an amazing creative job in advertising but I wanted to be with the children more. And we moved to the UK and I had an amazing job being a User Experience Designer in advertising and earnt a lot of money. But every day I would stare out the window thinking I wanted to be taking my girls to school. Thinking I wanted to be at home taking photographs and writing and teaching the girls things I know.
Since the end of Summer I’ve been working part time, but I have found myself totally unable to concentrate. I spend my days thinking about photography and watching as the children go beserk with yet more new childcare arrangements. So we decided that was that, the time had come for me to be a mother and a writer-photographer and to pursue my dreams.
There were some hard choices to be made because that meant my income was out of the picture. Which means no more London house by Hampstead Heath and no more school fees. I couldn’t do it the first time, but when we went up to Daylesford in mid-term the voice in my head was so loud telling me this is the place, that I knew I had to go through a small amount of pain, giving up what we have, to follow my heart, to follow my instincts and to listen to the voice. Without Kevin believing in me I’m not sure I would have come this far, but every time I’ve panicked and thought I need to go back to work he has said we will manage and I need to do my project.
I have been perpetually dissatisfied with everything for a long time. And I have re-discovered positive thinking. I’d become a cold hard ad-land cynic. The magic in my mind went a long time ago and I’m cultivating it back into existence. It’s amazing rediscovering the beauty of my mind, rediscovering the joy in small things, in a moment passing, in a smile, in the twinkle of a child’s eye.
This isn’t an easy task, sweeping out the cobwebs in the dark corners, forcing the light to shine in, but I’m doing it. There really is no other option any more. Focusing on the girls is also a huge change for me. Having had nannies and au pairs for the past three years I realise now how much we have all missed out on. I feel so lucky I can be with them now for all of our sakes. Nothing is more important than raising them properly and passing my knowledge on to them.
And now I have my own big idea, and my own master plan, every morning and every evening I read it out loud and help bring it into existence. This gorgeous project I’m working on, that I am devoting myself to entirely. It’s a labour of absolute love and every moment I’m immersed in it I am fulfilled. Writing, researching, planning. The photography will begin in February and I’ll be able to tell you more about it around Easter.
In the meantime we are packing. And preparing for a very modest, but a happy and contented Christmas.
Ah, and the rolling stone thing. I was thinking about that today, a rolling stone gathers no moss. A rolling stone gathers knowledge and experience and many friends, but lacks stability, community and the growth and deepening of relationships that comes from staying put. But I am me and me stays put in me wherever I am. My blog isn’t moving! I think one of my life’s purposes is to plant a lot of gardens around the world – I’m making a garden grid. Every different home we’ve had we’ve planted lovely gardens. Many of the fruit trees are maturing now and bearing fruit. We are planting an orchard at the new house. I am so excited about the garden there, but that’s another story altogether.
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